Beep, Beep, Beep, Beeepppppppp.
It’s the fucking PC police out to ruin football again. Apparently singing about a player’s massive penis is racist. That’s the last straw. First they tell me I can’t make fun of the educated players. Then it was the gay ones. And now I can’t sing a song about my top goalscorer’s 24-inch cock.
That’s it. Huge dicks were all we had left. The line’s been crossed and football’s officially gone mad. Bag it up lads. Nothing more to see.
You don’t need a graduate diploma from the Steve Bannon School of Identity Politics to realize if you defend this minority of Manchester United fans, you’re the Paul Merson equivalent of a supporter. And at least there’s half a chance he knows he’s an idiot.
I understand it to a degree. Football is tribal. That’s a major part of the appeal.
For those that venture into the depths of a comment section, you see it all the time…
“Manchester United fans don’t even live in Manchester.”
“Liverpool fans live in 1980.”
“Does City even have fans.”
And the great equalizer.
“Well at least we don’t support Spurs.”
While mostly 50% indicative of bias, 45% of laziness, 4.999% banter, and maybe somewhere far, far below, .0001 percent of truth, these sorts of stereotypical comments tend to run rampant. And it’s not for the sliver of truth. It’s simply because they merit a reaction. Lukaku’s cock is no different. Since the anti-racism group Kick it Out wrote to Manchester United asking to end the cheer, the uproar has been loud and furious. Apparently nothing irritates the susceptible more than claims that others are in fact more delicate.
“But we’re only complimenting him. Can people not take compliments anymore?” -George, Age 17, Surrey.
“If I was on $5 million a year, you could sing whatever you want about my penis size.” -Leon, Age 49, Cape Town.
“If they’re small, some people think something else must be small. But I guarantee you there is no problem.” -Donald, Age 71, Washington DC.
In reality, serenading your top goal scorer about the size of his penis is disingenuous at best. As anyone defending the chant probably already knows, every seemingly positive stereotype comes with a variety of negatives. Jews are responsible with money- Cheap. Asians are hard workers- Lack social skills. The list goes on. In the case of Lukaku, traditionally having a large penis is akin to laziness and possessing limited intelligence. From the Greeks to the Romans, being well-endowed across the board always translated to a lack of function elsewhere. In the American South, a whole form of pseudoscience was created to try and justify racism, featuring these same lazy stereotypes. Dr William Lee Howard wrote in 1903 that, “When education will reduce the large size of the Negro’s penis as well as bring about the sensitiveness of the terminal fibers which exist in the Caucasian, then will it also be able to prevent the African’s birthright to sexual madness and excess,” once again linking intelligence and physical features.
This negative connotation isn’t some sort of hidden knowledge locked in a liberal elite vault, guarded by the combined forces of Bernie Saunders and Jeremy Corbyn. A minute on the internet would probably do the trick.
Yet, some supporters still hypocritically demean the idiocy of “political correctness gone mad,” while woefully disregarding what is right in front of them. To a greater degree, a lack of intelligence and work-rate are not so-coincidentally criticisms leveled at Lukaku throughout his short career, and one that most Manchester United fans have rightly chastised. And still, some can’t see the point.
Marina Hyde makes a similar suggestion in this morning’s edition of The Guardian.
I’m afraid we have to ask ourselves something about those Manchester United fans chanting their great big compliment at Lukaku: what’s the likelihood that the only stereotype those people hold about black people is that they have enormous penises? Honestly, what are the chances? Zero, is the answer to that, whether or not they even realise it.
And she’s spot on. In trying to whip up some sort of furor about the politicization of England, sport, or the world as a whole, most people miss the actual problem. It’s not political correctness. It’s not a liberal agenda. It’s not whatever other imaginary enemy you want to blame the state of things on.
So defend your penis song.
Getting rid of it isn’t ruining the game.